Loves Madness

You know, sometimes the way life happens sucks. One minute I'm completely in love with the life that I have and the husband I married and then the next, I'm crying and thinking that it should have been his kids that I had. Him who I should have married. Him that I fell asleep with all these nights. Like we're soul mates lost in this world, always drawn to each other but knowing its best to push away.
I fell in love with him when I was 15 and I still think of him everyday. I still love him every day. I still dream of him some nights. Sometimes its different though, sometimes he's with another girl and I'm OK with it, that we're both happy and in love with another, why can't it be like that? Why only a dream?
I'm not saying I don't love my husband, I love him dearly and know that he's the better choice for me! He takes care of me, our kids, and loves me unconditionally. He's probably in all actuality the best man out in the world, but for some reason I can seem to love him more. Enough. I look at him and my heart melts with emotion even after being together five years. I still get butterflies from him. But I still don't love him more!
I've vented to friends about this, about being in love with the wrong person. I've hated myself for it. I've hated him for it. I've tried being friends. I've tried writing and drawing, even blogged a few times hoping that some how it will leave my mind and stay on the page, forever. But no luck, so I'm trying again in this blog.
 I just wish I could love him less. Forget about him, and focus on the wonderful life I have but I see him all the time. I literally think about him every single day, at least once. I'm not joking. We broke up heck 6 years ago and I still think of the guy DAILY!! What's wrong with me?! I have two kids I love more then my life and still dream for another man, even though I've got no reason to want another.


It's so hard. I'm so tired. Just go away.